Tour of the Year - A.K.A. - The Great Shemozzle of Cairo - 2nd October 2026
Ahlan dear readers, please settle in for another one of those it’s so good now it’s over type of blog entries entitled: TOUR OF THE YEAR - A.K.A. THE GREAT SHEMOZZLE OF CAIRO!!
Ok, so we’d been blown away by the pyramids, Sphinx, and GEM, but we had yet to go into the heart of Cairo itself and see the city at night.
Jen-Jen had organised a tour, where we were picked up at 5pm from our hotel, taken on a felucca ride on The Nile, to a famous mosque, the Khan Al Khalili Bazaar, a traditional dinner and then dropped back home by 9pm. Sounds great right. Please read on.
So 4.50 pm rolls around and we sit outside the motel to wait for our guide. At 5.15 pm we get a message saying that they are 10 minutes away. OK - we’ve seen the traffic in Cairo - no biggie..
Around 5.30 pm a polite young man called Khalid walked around the corner and introduced himself to us as our guide for the tour. He spoke 4 languages and was off to study in Italy in the new year. He appeared to be a capable, knowledgeable young fella, if not punctual.
He gets a call from the driver and says we have to meet him around the corner, as the street was blocked off and he couldn’t get in
Okaaay, we head off around the corner, and after a quick yarn in Arabic to some locals, he finds out that this street was blocked off too.
Okaaay, we head off in the other direction, and then he gets a call from the driver. He’s parked around the corner, and we need to get a tuk-tuk (India, anyone?) to meet him.
Okaaay, I guess.
So Khalid, Jen-Jen and Yours Truly squeeze into the back of a tuk-tuk and we head off down dirt roads before we join the main road and have a harrowing 10 minute ride as we got lost twice, and the driver that we were meeting changed locations. Khalid had to pay for the tuk-tuk out of his own sky-rocket but we managed to get into the car - about 500m away from out hotel.
What a start to the tour!!
The next 20 minutes of so were OK as our heart rates returned to normal and we entred the clean, tree-filled Cairo centre and left the dust and shit of Giza.
Randomly, the car stopped, and Khalid told us he would be back in a minute.
Okaaay.
A few minutes later, he returned with a new person who had also booked the trip.
She squeezes into the back seat with us and our “guide” hasn’t told us anything about where we are going, that someone else was joining the tour , or anything about the surrounding city.
After another 20 minutes or so, bladders are full, and we pull into a junk-filled car park next to a dock. I’m told I can have a wee behind the tree, but there is no ladies' toilet. We are then shown onto a vessel that could almost be called a felucca. This floating pile of driftwood was captained by an old Egyptian in traditional dress - a jibbah, I think - with permanent durrie in his gob.
Anyway, we embark and strike up a conversation with our new friend.
Her name was Gin (Virginia) and she was a world traveller who originally hailed from Italy, but had lived with her boyfriend in Oz for a few years and it was her favourite country on earth. Add this to her extensive tattoos and tales of travel, and we were fast friends on a felucca!!
Anyway, old mate kept ashing on my head on the felucca that sailed out about 100 metres into the Nile, then just stayed there.
That was it.
That was the felucca ride. No drinks, no explanation. Just three touros on a pile of driftwood watching party boats cruise by… at least we were in it together.
After about 20 minutes, we made it to shore and got back in the car.
We asked Khalied about a bathroom for the ladies, as he had forgotten, Five minutes was his answer.
After 20 minutes of driving, we pulled over to the famous Mosque that was all lit up with night-time neon.
The only thing was that it was closed.
Okaay, at least we were near the Khan Al Khalini Bizaar.
We left Gin at the ATM, and Jen-Jen and I went to a bathroom in the back of a tea shop where two elderly women were bathing to get ready to pray on a dingy prayer mat in the corner. I’ve seen worse bathrooms - in India and Thailand - but this one was no prize. I did get yelled at when I nearly walked in on one of the old girls as she was changing her headscarf. Soz…
Anyway, we used the bathroom - Khalid paid again - we went back to the ATM and met Gin - who thankfully was still alive and hadn’t been robbed or abducted - and we made our way down the main street of the bazaar.
OK - let the tour guiding begin!! Fill our heads with knowledge of the architecture, Islamic history, which shops to buy from and which to avoid etc… You know, tour guidey stuff!!
Nuh, we a got a “Watch your stuff,” and then we followed him as every tout and hawker tried to get us into their shops.
He did take us into one tacky souvenir shop - probably his brother’s - but we didn’t buy anything.
By now it was about 8 pm, and we were all pretty starving.
“Hey Khalid, can we eat now and check out the other mosque after this?”
After a strange bit of banter, he agreed and we set off for the restaurant.
But… we saw a mosque that was open, and we went in. It was a bit disappointing, but I did get a great shot of Jen and Gin in their scarves.
After another 20 minutes of walking with no guiding we arrived at the restaurant that was heaving. We went upstairs and the guy said that they were full. Khalid turned around and led us back downstairs and googled which restaurants were open.
At about this stage we came to the conclusion that this was his first night as a guide and he didn’t know hos kofta from his kebab!
Jen then suggested that we go back to the restaurant and wait for a table, because people leave restaurants when they’re finished eating, you know?
What a novel idea!!
We waited for a few minutes before the table became available, and there were two choices: Beef or Chicken Shawarma with a water or soft drink.
Okaaay… just one small problem. Gin was a vegetarian!
After looking at menus in both English and Arabic, Gin decided that she wasn’t that hungry and she would get something when she got back to the hotel.
I pointed to the fruit bowl behind the counter and told her that she could probably have a banana for dinner.
I won’t write what her response was, but it rhymed with Truck Cat!!
We all couldn’t stop laughing at the absurdity of the situation, but then there was another surprise in store for us. Dancing men clothed in LED shirts twirling cotton pizzas in the air!!
What a completely random night, full of bad surprises!!
To be honest, the shawarma was delicious, but it was about 9 pm by this stage, so I would have eaten just about anything. Khalid paid again, and I reckon he LOST money on this tour.
We left the restaurant and as the three of us entered the car - with the driver who didn’t speak any English - Khlaid apologised for the night, grabbed his bag , and fucked off!!
We couldn’t believe it.
The whole car ride back, the three of us laughed at what a train wreck the tour was and then it was revealed to me that they had tried to cancel the tour in the afternoon due to some variables, including that the GUIDE COULDN’T MAKE IT.
I think that we were right! It was his first tour, and he was probably the brother’s, cousin’s uncle on his mother’s side that was roped in at the last moment.
Poor bloke.
Anyway, we dropped off Gin, who said she had an apple in her room if her restaurant was closed and headed back to Giza. She was great value, and the night wasn’t a total waste as we made a new friend. ;)
We got back around 10.30 pm and headed to bed with growling stomachs.
And that, my friends, is our account of a Food and Culture Walking Tour of Egypt. Please check out a video of the greatest night ever below:
P.S. After we told the company about what a cock-up the tour was, we received a curt response from them.
“Thank you for your feedback. This guide no longer works for this company.”
Okaaaay, I guess
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